Nightwalker
by Crystalwren
Summary: Gonzoverse, set after the end of the series. Integra gets her head examined.
1. Rapunzel

Good afternoon, Miss Hellsing. I am Doctor Karloff. I am your psychiatrist for the duration of your stay here.

'Sir'.

Excuse me?

My proper title is Sir Hellsing. If this is difficult for you, then 'Ms' will suffice.

I see…Ms Hellsing. You aren't married?

No.

Might I ask why?

It's none of your business.

That's true, but I am your psychiatrist. You don't have to talk to me, but you might find it helps.

Helps with what?

Ms Hellsing, do you know why you are here?

Because my organisation and I have been abandoned by Her Majesty. I have become a scapegoat.

Tell me more about your organisation.

We are a private organisation specialising in the more…obscure aspects of the British Empire. We answer only to God and Her Majesty. But surely you know all of that.

Let's pretend I don't.

We kill vampires. And werewolves. Things that go bump in the night. And we make sure that the unknowing masses remain exactly that: unknowing. But recent events…

You refer to the incident at the tower of London?

Of course. Recent events have made the public aware what is going on around them, and because of this I am to be punished.

So you are telling me that there are monsters in this day and age? Werewolves…vampires…

Of course. But you should know all of this already.

Why do you say that?

You are talking to me. You must have the required security clearance.

Ms Hellsing, where do you think you are?

What do you mean?

Where do you think this room, this space we are sitting in, is located?

I'm not certain…the Tower?

The Tower has been nearly demolished, due to the actions of your organisation.

We did what was necessary to protect the empire.

Ms Hellsing, you are not at the Tower. You are not imprisoned.

Then what do you call this?

The London Hospital for the Mentally Disturbed.

(Silence)

Excuse me?

You are delusional. You have been judged a danger to yourself and others-

-I beg your pardon-

-you are the leader of a terrorist cell that attacked Her Majesty-

-what is going on here-

-and in the process almost destroyed a major historical landmark.

(Silence)

Oh…so that's how it's going to happen.

You are here for your own good.

Of course I am. Doctor, I would like to go back to my cell now. Sorry…I mean room.

You may not leave this room until your allotted hour has passed.

Well, if that's the case…

We can, however, just sit here quietly until the time is up. It's up to you.

Thank you, Doctor. Do you have a cigar? A cigarette?

No.

Damn.


	2. Sweet Transvestite

Good evening, Ms Hellsing.

Good evening, Doctor.

Call me 'Karl', Integra.

Call me 'Sir Integra', and I'll call you anything you damn well like.

'Sir' is a title reserved for men who have been knighted. If you have been knighted, you'd be called 'Dame'.

And I haven't?

No.

Well…you learn something every day…Doctor.

Indeed, Ms Hellsing.

(Silence)

You seem to have a fixation on masculine titles.

I do?

Why do you dress like a man?

You mean, why am I a transvestite?

Well…yes. And a rather unconvincing one at that.

I'm sorry?

The object of transvestism is usually either for sexual gratification, or to live as a member of the opposite gender. With your long hair and rather feminine features, you don't make a very convincing man.

I never tried to be.

So you wear men's clothes for sexual gratification?

Sexual gratification…you know, that honestly never occurred to me.

So that is not the case?

I'd have to say…no.

No?

No.

So why do you wear men's clothing?

Do I need a reason?

Yes.

I'd have to think about that.

Think about why you are a transvestite?

No. I need to think why I need your approval.

I didn't say I disapproved.

So why did you ask?

It is my job to ask questions.

Can you answer them?

Sometimes. If you ask the right ones.

Where is Walter? Is he all right?

Walter?

Walter C. Donez. My butler. My bodyguard.

I know of no one by that name, Ms Hellsing.

(Silence)

You bastard.


	3. Inheritance Tax

Good afternoon, Ms Hellsing.

Good afternoon, Doctor. I never thought I would be glad to see you.

Why is that? Why are you glad to see me?

Because I am bored, that's why. I do not have anything to read or do. I am shut up inside that infernal room, there are no windows and my chief amusements consist of twice daily escorted trips to the lavatory and bathroom, and being feed rubbish three meals a day. I stare at the walls. I stare at the floor. I stare at the ceiling. The walls are white, the floor is white, the ceiling is white, the furniture is white, even the sheets on the bed are white. When I sleep I dream that I am sitting in a white room doing nothing. My sleeping precludes my waking and my waking precludes my sleeping and each is indistinguishable from the other. Even the orderlies wear white. They have white expressions. Their shoes make white sounds on the linoleum.

White sounds…an interesting concept.

A metaphor.

Would you care to explain further?

Not particularly.

Very well then. I would like to talk about why your…. Organisation…felt it necessary to attack the Queen.

We didn't attack the Queen. We tried to protect her. It is our duty.

Of course…protect her from vampires.

Yes.

Tell me, who is Alucard?

(Silence)

Why do you ask?

Because you often speak out loud to someone by that name when you're alone.

And how would you know that? Are you filming me?

Yes, we are. Does that bother you?

Not particularly. I'd be surprised if you didn't. Although I haven't been able to find any hidden cameras or unexplained holes drilled anywhere. You must have a very high tech system to be able to conceal them so well. I wonder…why did you feel it was necessary to conceal the cameras in the first place?

Some patients find them disturbing.

And some of them, no doubt, knowing themselves to be observed would alter their behavioural patterns.

Indeed.

Tell me Doctor, are you a voyeur? Do you enjoy watching people unawares?

It is my job. Enjoyment doesn't enter into it.

Of course it doesn't.

Are you going to answer my question?

Who is Alucard?

Yes.

He's…mine. You can't see him on the tapes you have of me?

No.

Odd. You should be able to.

I thought that vampires couldn't cast reflections, or be video taped.

A common belief. A misconception. How did you know he is a vampire?

Call it a hunch.

Are you sure you didn't already know?

Who is Alucard? Why is he 'yours'?

He is…an inheritance of mine. Passed down the family line, you might say.

Inheriting a vampire? Most families prefer to pass down silverware, Bibles, Royal Doulton, things like that.

We pass down vampires. And guns. And duty. And honour.

You like guns?

What's not to like?

You like duty?

(Silence)

My feelings are irrelevant. Duty is duty.

Do you like honour? Do you consider yourself an honourable person?

Yes.

So why did you attack the Queen in such a shameful manner?

We didn't attack her. I keep telling you this.

Please sit down, Ms Hellsing, or I shall be forced to summon an orderly to restrain you.

Go to hell.

Please sit down.

(Silence)

Thank you. I'll ask again: who is Alucard?

A vampire. I inherited him.

Describe him to me.

Most of the time he's very, very tall. Slender, pale, black hair. Commonly wears a long red coat, carries a pair of very big guns around. A custom Cassul, and a custom Jackal.

Guns? What would a vampire do with guns? I thought a vampire had fangs.

He has those as well.

What did you mean by 'most of the time'?

(Silence)

You don't want to know. Trust me.


	4. Freud Would Have a Field Day

Good afternoon, Ms Hellsing. You look tired.

I…haven't been sleeping.

Yes, I know. You have been spending a lot time calling for this Alucard of yours.

He's disobeying me. He won't come.

This angers you?

Of course it does. I am his Master.

Don't you mean Mistress?

If that suits you better.

Ms Hellsing, you should be aware that we have introduced a new drug into your food. It's specifically designed to inhibit the occurrences of visual hallucinations.

What? You're drugging me, you bastard?

Calm down.

How dare you? How dare you?

Sit down, Ms Hellsing.

Bastard.

(Silence)

I want a cigar.

Are you surprised that we are medicating you? You expected the cameras.

I should have expected it.

But you didn't.

No.

Tell me more about Alucard.

No.

Very well then…let's return to an earlier topic. Your cross-dressing.

"I'm just a sweet transvestite…from Transexual…"

Ha ha! I didn't think that movie would appeal to you, Integra.

You've seen it?

Oh yes…it's very Freudian.

Freud has been discredited.

Not entirely.

I'd have to take your word for it. Psychiatry isn't an interest of mine.

Yet you've heard of Freud.

Doctor. I am sure that there are certain isolated Intuits on the icecaps and maybe the odd Papuan mountain tribe who haven't heard of Freud, but other than that I think it's safe to say that everyone else in the world has.

That's very true. You seem comfortable calling yourself a transvestite…

That's because I am.

It's a word of derision for many people.

I don't particularly care.

Why do you dress like a man, Integra?

That's 'Ms Hellsing' to you.

Please answer the question.

I am the only female in a vastly male-dominated secret society. If I wore a skirt they'd trample all over me. Besides, have you ever tried going into combat with a skirt on? It's a real bitch.

Yet you have very long hair.

Allow me some vanity.

You make for a very striking figure, Ms Hellsing. Men's suits, dark skin, long blonde hair…

Why Doctor, I'm blushing. Are you making a pass at me?

Would you like me too?

Why on earth would I want that?

Sex…power…some residents think it would influence me, influence my decisions on their welfare.

Does it ever work?

No, of course not.

"No, of course not." You're an idiot.

Ms Hellsing do you ever…masturbate?

(Silence)

Excuse me?

Do you ever masturbate?

(Silence)

Pervert.


	5. Actions and Consequences

Good afternoon, Ms Hellsing. How did you enjoy your stay in solitary confinement?

It was much the same as sitting in my cell, with less leg room.

I do hope that you have learned your lesson. Physical violence will not be tolerated.

A slap in the face is not physical violence.

What is it then?

A warning. I am more than capable of killing you with my bare hands.

Threats will not be tolerated either.

You're very…dictatorial for a public doctor. I thought that straight jackets and torture and solitary confinement were a thing of the dark, ignorant past.

Torture?

A white room like mine is mental torture. You might as well chain me to a wall and drip water on my head.

Ms Hellsing, have you seen your friend Alucard lately?

No.

Then the medication seems to be working quite well. You may return to your room now.

Why…thank you. God and Her Majesty go with you, Doctor.


	6. Tricks and the Trade

What are you thinking about?

Have you ever been to Amsterdam, Doctor?

No, unfortunately. I don't have as much opportunity to travel as I'd like.

It's a very beautiful city. Elegant. Old. Looking at it from above is really quite something.

You've flown over it?

Yes, twice.

Why where you there?

I was looking at some old manuscripts…looking at some old tools of the trade…

Tools?

Yes. Have you heard of the museum of torture in Amsterdam?

Yes…

If you are ever there, ask about their private collection.

That's what you were thinking about? The Amsterdam torture museum?

Not at all. I was thinking about prostitution.

Really.

It occurred to me that, although I am a virgin, I am also a whore.

In what way?

We are all of us whores to some degree. We all sell our bodies and our services. Everyone who works is a prostitute, but only those who work in the sex industry actually get called that.

You think that there are different levels of prostitution?

No, just different areas. When I was last in Amsterdam I walked through the redlight district and saw the women sitting in their windows, dressed- or undressed if you like- to attract their customers. For some reason I thought about it today and it occurred to me: I am just like one of those women in the window. I am sitting in a window until someone comes to use me and pay for my services.

That's an interesting way of putting things, Integra, but you are here to get better. That is why you are here. You're not actually waiting for anything because you're already doing it.

Whatever you say, Doctor.

What were you doing in the redlight district?

I was curious.

Yet you are a devout Christian.

That's right.

Were you alone?

Yes.

Did you think about visiting some of those women in the windows?

(Silence)

No…why would I?

I must admit that I'm curious. You have told me that you are a virgin. Why? Are you waiting for romance? To fall in love? Or do you desire women and find that this desire clashes with your Christianity?

(Silence)

Doctor, I am not a lesbian. There is nothing confused about my sexuality whatsoever, so in the future I would thank you to keep your adolescent little fantasies to yourself.

It has been hypothesised that the vast majority of people are bisexual to some degree.

Well, in that case, do you harbour secret desires to sodomise your attractive male patients?

Certainly not!

I have encountered the 'all women are bisexual' argument before and I was not impressed. I found to be mainly a projection of men's fantasies.

Mainly?

There are lesbian and bisexual women in the world. There just aren't as many of them as men like you would like.

And you know about these women how?

Oh, piss off, will you? Go and take a cold shower.


	7. Bastard

Alucard?

(Silence)

Where are you, you bastard?

(Silence)


	8. Using Restraint

Is it time to see the Doctor?

Please come with us, Ms Hellsing.

Do I have a choice?

Of course. You may come with us freely or you may be sedated.

I see. Not much of a choice.

Please sit in this chair, Ms Hellsing. Thank you.

What? What are you doing? Let go!

The straps are for your own good, Ms Hellsing. They are there to prevent you from hurting yourself. Please relax. We are taking you to the infirmary.

Let me out of this! Now!

Please co-operate with us. It will be much easier if you don't struggle.

What are you going to do to me?

Please don't struggle, Ms Hellsing. It will all be over soon.


	9. Getting Up Close and Personal

Good afternoon, Integra.

If you say so.

It's a beautiful day outside.

I'd have to take your word on that.

Yes, well…I've been very happy with your progress of late. You delusions seem to have eased some. I've been considering upgrading your condition.

(Silence)

Aren't you interested in what that means, Integra?

Oh, all right…"please tell me what that means, Doctor."

It means that you'd be upgraded from "highly dangerous to self and others" to moderately dangerous to self and others".

Isn't that a downgrade as opposed to an upgrade?

Not if you look at it positively.

Hmm.

You seem very subdued, Integra.

I'm sorry…the room keeps spinning.

That would be a side effect of your latest medication.

What's next? Shock therapy?

We've already tried that.

You did? When?

Several weeks after you first joined us.

Oh.

Memory loss is a common side effect of shock therapy.

It is?

Yes.

(Silence)

Do you like your new clothes?

Clothes?

The blouse. The skirt.

Oh. Yes. They're…very nice.

The colour suits you. It sets off your skin wonderfully. Who gave you that skin, Integra? Your mother or your father?

My mother. She died when I was very young.

An Indian? A Hindu?

Yes.

And you a devout Christian.

Yes.

You believed you were a member of something called, "the Royal Order of Protestant Knights" when you first came here.

I…still am.

Integra. It isn't true. Do you understand? There is no Hellsing Organisation. There are no Knights. There is no Alucard. Do you understand?

Understand?

Yes. Understand. Understand that your brain is sick. But it's not your fault. I'm trying to make you feel better, Integra. I'm going to cure you. I'm going to make you a normal woman. Wouldn't you like that?

Doctor?

Yes, Integra?

Remove your hand from my body before I remove it from yours.


	10. Spit or Swallow

Back again. Did you like your time in the darkness, Integra?

Stop calling me 'Integra', you bastard.

You seem to have gone backwards of late. It's a pity…you were making such progress.

You mean I was swallowing your lies.

What happened? What changed?

I heard his voice.

Whose?

Alucard's.

There is no such person.

Yes, there is.

He is the product of your illness. He doesn't exist.

Yes, he does. I heard his voice.

Integra, you are delusional. You are schizophrenic.

And you are a predatory deviant preying on the people under your care.

Sit down, Integra.

Pervert.

Sit down!

Monster.

Orderly! Restrain this woman!

I'd like to see you try. Ha ha! Did that hurt? Did it?

Integra, calm down or we will have to stun you.

Do you know what he said to me? Do you? He told me that he loved me broken. He said that it was even better than me being strong. He wanted to make me one of his creatures. He wanted me to fuck him. Ah!

I'm sorry, Integra. I know it hurts.

Hate…you…

I'm sorry.

Please don't put me in that room again. Please.

It's for your own good.

Where's Walter? I want Walter.

There is no such person. Swallow.

I don't want them.

Swallow the pills, Integra. Or we will have to inject you instead and that will hurt.

I want it to hurt. Make it hurt.

Why do you want that?

Make it hurt. Remind me that I exist.

Swallow the pills, Integra.


	11. Holy

It's been a while.

(Silence)

Are you feeling better?

(Silence)

Don't you want to talk to me?

(Silence)

You don't have to talk to me if you don't want too. We can just sit here.

(Silence)

I want a Bible.

A Bible?

Yes. Can I have one?

Why?

It'll protect me.

From what?

Him.

Alucard? Why?

He hurts me. See?

Integra, you did that to yourself.

I…did?

Yes. Don't you remember?

I'm sure it was him. I'm sure of it.

No. It wasn't.

(Silence)

Would you like a tissue?

(Silence)

Don't be ashamed. It's a good thing. It's part of the healing process.


	12. Beautiful Soft Woman

Do you believe in God?

I used too. Now…I don't think I do.

Why not?

I'm here, aren't I?

You believed in an interventionist God?

I don't know.

You don't know? Can't you remember?

(Silence)

The shock therapy will do that. I'm sorry, but it was necessary.

(Silence)

Will I ever…

What?

Will I ever be the way I used to be?

No, but that's a good thing.

You're turning me into a vegetable. You're turning me into the mental equivalent of some stupid housewife who spend her days in a bathrobe and curlers and filthy slippers sitting in front of the tellie.

Don't you want to be normal?

Define 'normal'. I want my life back.

And you will have it back, Integra. Soon. I promise you. Soon this will all seem like a bad dream and you can go home.

Promise?

I promise. Have I ever lied to you?

(Silence)

I'm your friend. I love you, Integra. You're my very dear friend and I care about you very much.

(Silence)

Ah, Integra. Integra, Integra, Integra. You're so beautiful when you cry. You're a beautiful soft woman. Why did you need to hide that all of those years?

(Silence)

I know your father died when you were very young. Is that why you felt the need to be so strong? Was there no one to protect you?

(Silence)

I'll protect you now. I promise. You'll never be alone again, and you'll never have to be strong the way you were. Your hair is so soft. It smells so good.


	13. Teething Troubles

Doctor! Doctor, you have to come quickly!

Why? What's happened?

It's Integra Hellsing. She's being rushed to the infirmary. It looks like she's cut her wrists and she's haemorrhaging badly.

Oh, dear God in Heaven. How did this happen? How did she get a weapon? You were supposed to be watching her! I'll have your head for this, you incompetent little bitch!

There was no weapon, Doctor.

What?

She used her _teeth. _

What?

See for yourself.

(Silence)

It looks like you rather underestimated her, doesn't it?

Shut. Up.


	14. Doped to the Eyeballs

Good morning, Integra.

(Silence)

How do you feel?

(Silence)

Are you in any pain?

(Silence)

We can give you some painkillers if you need them.

(Silence)

I can't help you unless you talk to me.

(Silence)

Integra, talk to me. Look at me. I know you can hear me perfectly. The brain scans showed no abnormalities whatsoever.

(Silence)

Fine. You leave me no choice. As soon as your wounds heal you are to be handcuffed to your bed until you become co-operative once more.

(Silence)

What was that?

(Silence)

I can't hear you.

…sore…loser…

Orderly! Sedate this woman!

But Doctor, she's not doing anything-

Just do it!


	15. Missionary Position

Good morning Ms Hellsing. How are you feeling?

Quite well, thank you Doctor.

I trust your wounds are healing well?

There were some small issues with infection…the human mouth is very dirty…but those were resolved fairly quickly.

That's good. I'm glad to hear it.

(Silence)

Aren't you going to complement me on my skirt?

That would be inappropriate, Ms Hellsing.

"Inappropriate." How…impersonal, Doctor. It's such a shame. I thought that we had established a connection, a certain rapport before I had my little accident.

What happened was no accident.

That's quite true. Aren't you going to ask me why I did it?

(Silence)

Don't you want to know?

(Silence)

"What does not kill us makes us stronger." By committing the symbolic act of suicide I have, paradoxically, drawn closer to my own life and my desire to live.

You're saying that you needed to die in order to appreciate life more?

Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying.

(Silence)

What if you had died?

Then I would have fled my mortal shell, to reside in Purgatory. There I would have been purified by pain and once cleansed I would have joined my Father in Heaven.

Your biological father, or the Heavenly Father of your Christian faith?

Take your pick.

Don't you want to join your mother as well?

It is difficult to miss someone you have never met.

I thought that suicides are commonly believed to go to Hell.

I am on a mission from God.

(Silence)

I am wary of adding any more medication to your schedule due to the amount of painkillers and antibiotics you are already on. Once your wounds have healed completely I will be placing you on a stronger course of anti psychosis drugs.

As you see fit, Doctor. I am at your disposal.

I will see you tomorrow afternoon for your next session.

In that case, God go with you, Doctor.

What about Her Majesty?

That bitch can go to hell.


	16. Climax

Good evening, Doctor. Or should I say "good morning"? It's difficult to be certain at this hour isn't it?

What? Hellsing? What are you…how did you…

I killed my guards, stole their keys and escaped, obviously. I'll leave the exact details a mystery for the time being, although I've no doubt you'll figure it out eventually.

What are you doing here? What are you doing in my room?

Well, I was just on my way out and I realised that I couldn't _possibly_ leave without saying goodbye. After all, we became so close before I had my accident. It would be a shame to let the friendship go entirely, don't you think?

Oh God…what are you going to do?

What's the matter, Doctor? Don't you want to be friends any more?

What are you going to do with that? Put it down. Put it down now. If you don't I'll call for the orderlies…

You can call and shout and scream all you like. On my way here I decided to liberate my fellow political prisoners. I'm afraid the staff has quite a situation on their hands.

Oh God. Oh God.

It's a sin to blaspheme. God hears your every word. Now hold still.

Ah!

I told you to hold still.

Fuck. Fucking Jesus Christ.

Language. I _am _a lady you know.

Ah!

Such a baby.

You're mad…you're crazy…

And I owe it all to you. Does it make you proud?

What…what are you doing now?

I've dreamed of this. I've wanted this. The destruction of my mind is one thing. You serve a higher master, and you are bound to obey. Orders are orders. I know that. But the abuse of your position…your abuse of me…you came so close. So very close. Is it simply sex? A quick, cheap fuck? Or is it a power trip? I'm not the only one, am I? I'm not the only one you tried to manipulate into becoming your blow-up sex doll.

Please…

No. I cannot be reasoned with. I cannot be forced. I cannot be manipulated or coerced. There is just enough left of my mind to understand what I've lost. And part of what I've lost is the place where mercy and forgiveness used to be. Empathy, understanding…the things that make me human…the things that differentiate between the monsters and I… I was half way to being a monster before I came here. That's what makes a good solider, a good warrior. You cannot wield a sword if the screams pierce your ears. And now what little softness I had is gone. I have anger and desire and violation. I am angry. I desire. I am violated.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I've never done anything like that before, I swear. But you were so beautiful…

Of course you haven't. Of course I am.

Forgive me.

I just told you, I cannot.

If you do this, you will truly be a monster, do you understand? You cannot go back. You…you will be a monster…just like Alucard. You will just become Alucard.

How can I _become_ Alucard? Alucard is Alucard. I am me. I can become _like _him, but I cannot _be_ him.

Please, be rational about this!

I told you to be quiet.

(Silence)

There, was that so bad? Well Doctor, I'd love to stay and chat some more, but it's a lovely night out and he's waiting for me.

(Silence)

Nothing to say?

(Silence)

A beautiful night.

(Silence)

For now and forever, it'll always be a beautiful night.

(Silence)

Goodbye, Doctor.

-

-

-

_Old, old, old. Discovered on a backup disc. First finished _Hellsing _fic. Revived briefly on my LJ under the creative title 'Defining Reality'. Assured that it wasn't really that bad. Decided to clean it up and post._

_Didn't clean it up. Posted anyway._

_Already had the "Integra is NOT a transvestite!" brawl with Thess._

_Integra's 'white sounds' speech borrows heavily from _The Real Inspector Hound _by Tom Stoppard._


End file.
